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Alright, so, apparently Sony just bought the Peanuts franchise and you know what you do when you have thoughts on something but nobody to talk about it with because it’s such a niche and boring topic? That’s right, you blog about it!

Okay, now, if they wanna keep The Peanuts brand going, I honestly think it's not out of the question to do specials based some of the obscure and irrelevant NPCs. And don't be afraid to be weird and built different with it.

I say because if you wanna, say, do a Patty and Violet special, the problem is that there's nothing funny about them, so you're kinda forced to do something completely different with it.

Now, I can only assume, of course, but being a woman sucks, and it really sucked in the 50s and 60s. Everyone talks down to you, you make less money, and everyone sees you as a piece of meat first and a person never.

Part 1: Charlie Brown... is a child

To begin with, we need to see where these two characters are coming from. Charlie Brown first started out as kinda the opposite of what he is today, smug, mischievous, and more of a jerk. Me personally, I would choose to lean into this a little more, looking at it from their perspective.

Charlie Brown can still be the lovable loser, of course, but in real life it can often be good advice not to date men who are younger than you. The point being is that it didn’t start out this way, immaturity is a detriment and sometimes a prank can go too far, and over time what you’re seeing is your relationships fall apart piece by piece.

Because this didn’t just come from out of nowhere. Charlie Brown nowadays often feels like people are picking on him, but when he was younger, he would do exactly that and never learned his lesson.

Part 2: Patty

Okay... where to start? Based on what I can observe, she basically was just in a nothing-burger of a relationship with Shermy, only having been interested in him for his comic book collection. This is someone who clearly wants to be in a relationship, but kids are stupid and not for the reasons you would expect, and whom fantasizes about the boys fighting for her love because girls are weird!

She was implied to have been one of the older children because “motherly”, but that alone can make Charlie Brown naturally incompatible with her, pulling pranks and almost treating her like she’s his babysitter. This can go both ways, with Patty picking on him like an older sister bullying their younger sibling.

There’s also just the problem of Charlie Brown lacking in confidence. Women and people in general tend to dislike guys who don’t feel very good about themselves, and constant pessimism can be a real drag. The fun is totally ruined if he’s insecure, and one of the things that seemed to define Patty, unlike Charlie Brown, was her assertiveness and imitable confidence.

However, one of the things that stood out to me was the panel where she wishes that she was born a boy. So, how about this, Jinkx Monsoon once said in an interview speaking of JK Rowling, that she seemed to be unsatisfied with the way the world saw her, and so then transitioned herself into a new personality, so that the world would perceive her the way that she would want to be perceived.

Part 3: Violet Gray

There’s a Charles Schulz quote that basically states that “there is something funny about a little girl being able to be mean to a little boy” and I’m gonna be completely honest, if there was one character that disproves this theory, it would be Violet. Because it’s all black, no comedy.

Violet in the beginning was essentially introduced as just the stereotypical maid waifu, who made mud-pies, played house, and came from a rich, upper-class upbringing. The original conceit was that she was sweet, that is, until you got on her bad side... until all that was left was her bad side.

Now, it’s no secret that Violet Gray is my least favourite Peanuts character. Even with unflavoured Patty it was possible to cobble something together based on what little information we were given because chances are we’ve all encountered that one white woman with deep self-loathing and bad opinions, it’s just a mundane fact of life, but what the fuck do you do with this?

Alright, so, the best idea I can come with is for Charlie Brown and Violet to essentially just play an extended game of house, wherein it slowly deteriorates over time, towards the worst possible outcome. It’s giving Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, a little bit, if you catch my drift.

It can be here where we get to see Charlie Brown slowly transition into his more modern personality, who swings between being negatively pessimistic and heroically optimistic. And it all started here.

Now, that sounds dark and not funny at all, but where does this all end?

"We don't need boys to get along..."

And there you have it! You can even add Pig-Pen in there just to add extra salt to the wound. Haha, forever alone! Happy ending!